A painful past for a perfect picture now!

Normally my blogs are about my children however the history of my life has been a big deal in creating the situation they now find themselves in and will be a big part of their understanding as to why they have very few people around them… it is coming up to their birthday soon and every birthday and every Christmas I realise how very few people actually love them and show they care about them. What I want them to know is that:

It’s not quantity but quality..
2am, 10am, 5pm…Sometimes never in a day, sometimes every hour goes by and the thought doesn’t escape me…

It’s a huge pain in my heart, an aching, a longing, many tears shed…for the WANT of a loving mum.

As a child I loved my mum. She was pretty, tall, elegant. I’d brush her hair and admire her confidence. I’d do anything for her company and her attention. Anything. It was a difficult childhood…I only remember bits but I remember my dad leaving and coming back quite a few times (my mum had lots of affairs) and when I look back as an adult, I see a woman who never really cared. 

I always thought getting a horse bought for me at age 11 was done for me out of love…that all the mucking out, long hours every day doing chores to pay for him and the weekends spent riding and competing was because mum and I had a hobby we shared. Time together cos we loved each other. However, I realise now it was because it was what she wanted and I was merely a tool to benefit her. I wasn’t allowed out with friends as I was made to feel guilty about the horse….more and more I’d say no to going out with friends and it isolated me… Yet, I didn’t mind because I thought it was lovely cos I was with my mum and I’d always have her by my side.

However my mum was not the woman I had as an image in my head…as a grown up, your bubble is burst and your eyes are fully opened to the manipulation and you can see through the cloudy lenses of childhood..

One night after she’d already relatively recently tried it on with one of my boyfriend’s mates, I was picking her up from a party. She asked me to stay outside and wait but I was tired as it was 12.30 in the morning and I’d done a shift in the restaurant that I worked at. It was a Saturday night and I was exhausted…I parked up and went in to find her… I found her friend first who directed me to the toilets where she thought she was…i found her snogging the face off another man…not my dad! I was mortified, angry and hurt that she could want to destroy our family…I slapped her and walked off. She begged and pleaded for me to keep quiet…I remember screaming at her outside the hall and her mate telling me she was allowed a good time!  Her mate was going through a divorce at the time! I took her home and shouted at her all the way … whatever her excuses…she had children, she had a past record and she should have done things differently. 

From then on our relationship was strained..one day I got home from uni and she’d gone…she left for ages..about 6 months I think…and left me with my brother, my dad, two dogs and two horses to look after alongside trying to get through my first years of Uni. I didn’t know where she was for a bit…we kept having to ring my grandma… tough, tough times but I got through… I got through because I went a bit wild… I did things I regret and my anger and pain consumed me and I turned feral in many ways.. it was like a grief of a loss..a loss of someone I had looked up to, adored, saw as my best friend.. now I realise it was fake…

I remember how’d she just randomly messaged one day and said she wanted money regularly for storm (my horse) being on her field… not a thanks for looking after her animals and her house or a how are you daughter or any kindness …she wanted money because my dad had stopped giving her some….unfortunately that’s how our relationship remained and finally drained.

When I mean drained…I mean emotionally it was a nightmare…she would ring me threatening to commit suicide..hospitals would ring saying they’d admitted her cos she’d taken a load of tablets, I’d have answerphone messages saying if I didn’t pick up it would be my fault if she died…it was all my fault cos I told my dad and now my brother wouldn’t talk to her and hated her and my dad wouldn’t love her and she blamed me (she constantly couldn’t decide if she wanted my dad or this man! Crazy huh!)…  this torment went on for years and years and years… 

I have to say, when I first got with my husband… she was very supportive. She let me move in when I left my ex and I was hopeful we could renew our old friendship…it had been a strained 9 years of barely holding it together… and at 27 I thought I could cope with it all…

Then I fell pregnant…

It was something exciting and I hoped it would bring everyone close.. I was thrilled. I could picture the family time. My boys being overwhelmingly loved. Lots of family gatherings, the building of wonderful memories with family holidays and days out. 

However the reality was brutal… 

Nobody bothered. Honestly …my mother and father barely came round…my mum would use her illness  as an excuse and said she was too ill to come over and then I’d find out she’d been competing on her horses all weekend.. wow horses come first over seeing you daughter and you first and only grandchildren… 

My Dad didn’t bother (although our relationship was pretty much at an end when he told me he couldn’t be around me cos I looked like my mum and so he couldn’t stand being near me! Charmed!) He did buy the kids some high chairs but that was pretty much it. 3 years later he did admit he did it on purpose and said he thought he’d leave me to it and he didn’t want to turn up in case my mum was here…my husband and I had a real laugh at that…she lives 40 minutes away and her car would be here if she was and there’s a new technology from the 1800s called a telephone…crazy contraption where you can speak to someone miles away! No shit! But instead he just stayed away for three years (he only lives 10 minutes away). Lots of logic there!

My mum did eventually take an interest…guess what… it was when my brother’s girlfriend had their child.. my mum started offering to look after boys when I went back to work…I’ve since found out why…she was using them to walk with the pushchair to stand outside my brothers house to see if she could get to the other grandchild! My poor boys! Even on our wedding day she told my grandma she was excited to see my brother and her granddaughter for the first time…not see her daughter get married for her one and only time! Heartache is an understatement! It’s painful!

So I made the strongest decision…for my boys…I couldn’t have these people in their lives if they didn’t care… these people were not willing to show their love to them. It’s very lonely and hard having twins and through my struggles of having twins I had non of my family to support me… 

They were still using and abusing only this time it had transferred to my precious babes. No. They were not going to be dragged into all of that… I was going to make a good decision for them but a tough decision for me…isn’t that what motherhood is…putting your children first…

It’s been the best decision. They are the sweetest, dearest, twins who are the best of company…my husband and I are the family unit that dreams are made of… I’m truly living a dream and have to pinch myself daily with how lucky I am.. 

I don’t have my mum or my dad to support me but I don’t need that…Sometimes I struggle cos I’d have LIKED that (and if I’m honest…I’m lonely of a female relative bond!) but in the grand scheme of things I can live without that cos I wouldn’t want to change any of my life now …

all that yesterday has built a brilliant today and I’d always make that same decision. 

Do I dream about having a mummy…of course..every day…but … my happy family is my priority and I’m a good mummy because of my experiences…That..I can thank her for..because I learnt what not to do! 

I’m so lucky: anyone who would want to miss out on these two isn’t worth knowing ♡♡

This is my mum not with my dad. It came up on my Facebook feed from her birthday 4 years ago. Always little reminders. Always.

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