Saying goodbye: mixed feelings

So I’ve not blogged about this yet. Possibly so much going on at work and with the boys that I barely got time to actually consider myself or my feelings about it all….

I made the most painful and difficult decision to give up my horse, Storm, whom I’ve had since I was 11 – only 24 years of my life! He was a cheeky two year old unbacked stallion when we saw him in the field one day whilst taking the farmers pony, Goldie, back to the field. He stood out and stood out so much, that my first memory of him is imprinted. I barely have any memories pre 10 but that one is there. He used to come over to us to say hi and had a soft spot for the little mare I took care of. Beautiful flaxen mane and tail, deep chestnut body and 4 beastly white socks… just a gorgeous, handsome specimen. Immediately my mum and I fell in love. He was everything we didnt want; he was too small, a stallion, and unbacked in fact he was pretty wild at that point. However, when us ladies fall in love, it doesn’t matter about the practicalities or the appropriateness of the situation and Storm (then called Buster) really was a catch for us. He was/is amazing, a sod at times: wilful, stubborn, clever and a typical male wanting his own way but eventually after years of hard work, he was perfect to ride: Bombproof. Literally anything could go by him and he would not flinch. He was my best friend. My whole childhood was about storm. In fact my whole life before the kids was all about storm. I stayed where I lived rather than going to university to look after storm (cos my parents got divorced), I barely went out at weekends because of storm, all my money went on storm. He was and has been a HUGE part of my life and I tried so hard to make it work when the twins came along but twin boys, a dog and working full time from them being 5 months was pushing me to my limit so I put storm on loan when the boys were two!

I always just assumed I’d have him back but children take everything from you: I don’t even get to pee in peace. You are sucked dry of every ounce of your time and energy that you have to give. Where was I finding time and energy to look after and care for Storm three times a day when I didn’t even have time and energy to look after myself once a day! Honestly it was just too much and as the boys have gotten older, the dynamics and strains are different but you still have little time for other things. And to be honest, it sounds cruel, but I have had to ask myself this:

Do I want to give up time with my children for my horse? Do I want to sacrifice time with my kids like I sacrificed friendships in the past for an animal. I love this beast to pieces but …. I love my children more and this ultimately was the swinging decision and deciding factor for me.

The lady who has loaned him was offered him and she accepted. She obviously loves him dearly. I found her on facebook and saw people congratulate her on how amazing he is and that hurts as he is so amazing but that was mine and mum’s hard work but it’s to be celebrated that wherever he goes and whoever he meets, everyone is impressed with him because we created one of the best horses I’ve ever met. A gentle giant with a huge personality and a brilliant charm, with some awesome skills in a variety of riding activities. We taught him and nurtured him and built him up to be the amazing chap he is today and noone can take that from me. He is my greatest achievement alongside my boys and my career. But our time had to end…it’s so sad. Where family and men have come and gone, he has stayed by my side: faithful and loyal. It’s also the last tie I had to my mother… the link is now completely severed, which hurts in a strange kind of way as we had our best and worst times with storm as the focus: he caused our greatest happy times together as mother and daughter but also our greatest arguments especially towards the end of our relationship. He represents so much of me and now he isn’t mine. He’s gone to be someone elses.

On a day to day I’m fine but every now and then it hurts. He’s gone and I can never have him back.