Saying goodbye: mixed feelings

So I’ve not blogged about this yet. Possibly so much going on at work and with the boys that I barely got time to actually consider myself or my feelings about it all….

I made the most painful and difficult decision to give up my horse, Storm, whom I’ve had since I was 11 – only 24 years of my life! He was a cheeky two year old unbacked stallion when we saw him in the field one day whilst taking the farmers pony, Goldie, back to the field. He stood out and stood out so much, that my first memory of him is imprinted. I barely have any memories pre 10 but that one is there. He used to come over to us to say hi and had a soft spot for the little mare I took care of. Beautiful flaxen mane and tail, deep chestnut body and 4 beastly white socks… just a gorgeous, handsome specimen. Immediately my mum and I fell in love. He was everything we didnt want; he was too small, a stallion, and unbacked in fact he was pretty wild at that point. However, when us ladies fall in love, it doesn’t matter about the practicalities or the appropriateness of the situation and Storm (then called Buster) really was a catch for us. He was/is amazing, a sod at times: wilful, stubborn, clever and a typical male wanting his own way but eventually after years of hard work, he was perfect to ride: Bombproof. Literally anything could go by him and he would not flinch. He was my best friend. My whole childhood was about storm. In fact my whole life before the kids was all about storm. I stayed where I lived rather than going to university to look after storm (cos my parents got divorced), I barely went out at weekends because of storm, all my money went on storm. He was and has been a HUGE part of my life and I tried so hard to make it work when the twins came along but twin boys, a dog and working full time from them being 5 months was pushing me to my limit so I put storm on loan when the boys were two!

I always just assumed I’d have him back but children take everything from you: I don’t even get to pee in peace. You are sucked dry of every ounce of your time and energy that you have to give. Where was I finding time and energy to look after and care for Storm three times a day when I didn’t even have time and energy to look after myself once a day! Honestly it was just too much and as the boys have gotten older, the dynamics and strains are different but you still have little time for other things. And to be honest, it sounds cruel, but I have had to ask myself this:

Do I want to give up time with my children for my horse? Do I want to sacrifice time with my kids like I sacrificed friendships in the past for an animal. I love this beast to pieces but …. I love my children more and this ultimately was the swinging decision and deciding factor for me.

The lady who has loaned him was offered him and she accepted. She obviously loves him dearly. I found her on facebook and saw people congratulate her on how amazing he is and that hurts as he is so amazing but that was mine and mum’s hard work but it’s to be celebrated that wherever he goes and whoever he meets, everyone is impressed with him because we created one of the best horses I’ve ever met. A gentle giant with a huge personality and a brilliant charm, with some awesome skills in a variety of riding activities. We taught him and nurtured him and built him up to be the amazing chap he is today and noone can take that from me. He is my greatest achievement alongside my boys and my career. But our time had to end…it’s so sad. Where family and men have come and gone, he has stayed by my side: faithful and loyal. It’s also the last tie I had to my mother… the link is now completely severed, which hurts in a strange kind of way as we had our best and worst times with storm as the focus: he caused our greatest happy times together as mother and daughter but also our greatest arguments especially towards the end of our relationship. He represents so much of me and now he isn’t mine. He’s gone to be someone elses.

On a day to day I’m fine but every now and then it hurts. He’s gone and I can never have him back.

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Empty nest!

Once upon a time I never got a moment to myself. I wouldn’t be able to go to the toilet without the convoy of a twintastic mini me following me and chatting to me, sitting with me and cuddling me whilst I was trying to have a moment’s peace. I used to have to carry them both upstairs as they would cry if I went upstairs without them. They hated not being with me every second of every minute of every hour. At times, quite a lot of times, I used to hate it. I’d want to scream inside. I used to bury my head in my hand and cry. Just five minutes, that’s all I wanted; five minutes where I wasn’t needed and wanted and attached to something or someone else…

Now they are 7… they like to go to multisport’s club all day without me. They don’t want to hang out with me, in fact all they want to do is play outside with the kids on the cul de sac and I now have way more than five minutes to myself… and I hate it. I want that attachment and desire to be with me every second of every minute of every hour of the day and it’s gone… FOREVER. I can never get that back. It was so short lived and I was too tired and too overwhelmed to realise how special it was till the day it stopped. Reflection. Appreciate every moment, even when you think it’s a burden or a lot to handle because the quiet and the emptiness and the confidence comes all too quickly and then they’ve flown and you are left with the empty nest!

The goody and the baddy: finding your feet in life!

So Owen has been sent up to bed and has had quite a few tellings off today…he has been argumentative with Ethan, not letting him join in with his army soldier game. Then he let him join in but poor Ethan could not do anything right so he was telling him off every two minutes. Poor Ethan.  

Later Mark cooked a delightful tea and Owen after 3 plate fulls told Mark it was a horrible meal! Charming! At this point he went up to his room for ten minutes where I went to discuss with him how disrespectful it was of him to say that. I also explained that there was no logic to his argument as he had three platefuls.  Surely I asked him that suggests you liked it! He said he did and he didn’t understand why he said it… I also talked to him about school and how he always says Ethan is his best friend and always looks after him when he’s sad at school and Ethan wanted to play so it would have been kind to let him and be nice to him as he would be sad to play on his own.

Lastly, after letting him downstairs again, he spilt some bubble liquid, which was fine as it was an accident but then thought it was funny, so tipped the rest out! When I told him off for tipping it out as Ethan was enjoying playing with the bubbles, he ran to his dad because I’d shouted and then lied! He told mark I’d told him off for nothing and he’d just spilt it yet I’d just seen him tip it out right in front of me! Ooh… lying is the worst and playing one parent off against the other was the last chance saloon! So he was sent to bed for the rest of the evening!

It’s so sad when they misbehave and it’s so hard cos you’re trying so hard to teach them right from wrong. You don’t want to be mean but at the same time if they aren’t learning by their errors it needs you to intervene. 

What was interesting was when I went back upstairs to chat to him. He was crying and I sat down next to him to chat.  He said he was so confused because he’s a goody on the inside but there’s a baddy on the outside and he wishes the baddy wasn’t there cos he wants to be the inside goody. It was very perceptive of him so I went with it and explained that everyone has a bit of baddy but we have to try not to listen to the baddy in us but we have to listen to the goody. Sometimes the goody can’t defeat the baddy and we do something bad, but the goody must make sure that they defeat the baddy next time he tries to do the same thing and learn by his bad actions.

It was a good conversation and I was impressed with Owen’s perceptive understanding of his subconscious mind. I was very proud of him at that point: his tears showed me he cared, his analogy was perceptive and concise and it seems he’s a thinker and has quite an analytical brain. I’m proud of him. Mad for his behaviour but proud for his analysis. 

He said he loved me lots and lots and super amounts like a mountain…I’ll take that…

I find being a mum very interesting, observing their behaviours and actions. This was a very fascinating moment.  

He is finding his feet in life and working out his personality but the way he is with animals and his young baby cousin and how cuddly and loving he is, I know he’s a good boy. Keep seeking the answers little man. Life is tough and you’ll get there xx

Bad ass, bikes and little balance

Sorry I’ve been so quiet… work life balance seems to have fled and escaped and I’m trapped in a deep deep darkness known as GCSE exam time…it’s a pit of mock exam marking and I’m buried in it usually from January to April! This year is no exception! I’m trying my best to have some sort of work 💼life balance but the weighing scales are heavily over loaded on one side. It’s not the favourable one either! 
In between all this madness the boys have turned 7. Wow 😲 where on earth has that gone? Funny, that phrase “time flies” but jeez I’m on concord! The first few years are the worst where the most rapid changes occur but it’s still a whirlwind at this age too; but not quite so intense. 
So we’d planned to go away again after our momentous trip to London last year. However the dog 🐶got in the way and we’re too soft and won’t put him in kennels so a party 🎉 was decided. The boys wanted a star wars themed party so I endeavoured to make it memorable. All family members joined in the theme (even little isabel) and it was fab. Well it was fab for the boys, I just find it very stressful. I wrote an itinerary for the two hours of madness (the teacher in me never escapes). The thought of chaos with a load of 4, 5, 6, and 7 year olds fills me with utter dread but then I forgot the itinerary and well…it went OK after the panic stopped. The kids loved 💖 it and the games I created went down a storm ☁ so I was thrilled. It was expensive though…in terms of comparability a party is cheaper to a weekend away in London but not that much…there’s only a couple of hundred pounds in it and when you’re thinking about time per hour fun….well a holiday (3 days away) beats it every time…don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind spending it especially when it’s both of their parties so if you split the cost for two children it’s not too bad but still I prefer to go away. 

It seems to be party time for them this time of year as they’ve been to three others in past few weeks so they are completely partied out! 😜 – time for a party break. Owen has suffered terrible with illness over past few weeks. Another week off school and me having time off work that I can’t afford to have… but the kids have to come first..with sickness, temperature, ear infections, chest infections…the list is endless and everyone you talk to seems to be suffering in their households…what is it with increase of illness? The warmer winters? antibiotics not working? Germ infestations? Hygiene? I’ve not got the answers but it is quite bad this year. Let’s hope lighter nights, sunny weather and more outside time will bring some relief to poorly children. Hate seeing then suffer so much :(.

We have started to get out more…last weekend we gave our bikes some TLC and got them “summer ready” . Mark hasn’t got a bike ( it’s just not cool 🆒 enough!!!) So mark and I walk and boys bike. There’s a lovely 4 mile round trip that’s bike and dog 🐶friendly near our house so we pack a mini bag and head off to do that quite regularly. It’s a good trek and boys love it…today mark was at work so I got on my bike with them…I’m suffering now though. My poor ass feels like I’ve been sat on a brick! Think I need some padding in my seat cos I certainly don’t need any more padding in my ass….That’s the whole point of biking…. to get that bad boy a bit smaller!!! Painful now though.  Walking like a cowboy! … it’s all good fun though and I’m hoping I’ll build some resilience as we do it more. 

Brighter nights mean more fun as we are a winter hibernating family…. let summer begin!!!

We went for a lovely woodland walk near us other day…love the fresh faces and healthy glow of a good walk …all be it a cold one!! It’s great to get out again.

A painful past for a perfect picture now!

Normally my blogs are about my children however the history of my life has been a big deal in creating the situation they now find themselves in and will be a big part of their understanding as to why they have very few people around them… it is coming up to their birthday soon and every birthday and every Christmas I realise how very few people actually love them and show they care about them. What I want them to know is that:

It’s not quantity but quality..
2am, 10am, 5pm…Sometimes never in a day, sometimes every hour goes by and the thought doesn’t escape me…

It’s a huge pain in my heart, an aching, a longing, many tears shed…for the WANT of a loving mum.

As a child I loved my mum. She was pretty, tall, elegant. I’d brush her hair and admire her confidence. I’d do anything for her company and her attention. Anything. It was a difficult childhood…I only remember bits but I remember my dad leaving and coming back quite a few times (my mum had lots of affairs) and when I look back as an adult, I see a woman who never really cared. 

I always thought getting a horse bought for me at age 11 was done for me out of love…that all the mucking out, long hours every day doing chores to pay for him and the weekends spent riding and competing was because mum and I had a hobby we shared. Time together cos we loved each other. However, I realise now it was because it was what she wanted and I was merely a tool to benefit her. I wasn’t allowed out with friends as I was made to feel guilty about the horse….more and more I’d say no to going out with friends and it isolated me… Yet, I didn’t mind because I thought it was lovely cos I was with my mum and I’d always have her by my side.

However my mum was not the woman I had as an image in my head…as a grown up, your bubble is burst and your eyes are fully opened to the manipulation and you can see through the cloudy lenses of childhood..

One night after she’d already relatively recently tried it on with one of my boyfriend’s mates, I was picking her up from a party. She asked me to stay outside and wait but I was tired as it was 12.30 in the morning and I’d done a shift in the restaurant that I worked at. It was a Saturday night and I was exhausted…I parked up and went in to find her… I found her friend first who directed me to the toilets where she thought she was…i found her snogging the face off another man…not my dad! I was mortified, angry and hurt that she could want to destroy our family…I slapped her and walked off. She begged and pleaded for me to keep quiet…I remember screaming at her outside the hall and her mate telling me she was allowed a good time!  Her mate was going through a divorce at the time! I took her home and shouted at her all the way … whatever her excuses…she had children, she had a past record and she should have done things differently. 

From then on our relationship was strained..one day I got home from uni and she’d gone…she left for ages..about 6 months I think…and left me with my brother, my dad, two dogs and two horses to look after alongside trying to get through my first years of Uni. I didn’t know where she was for a bit…we kept having to ring my grandma… tough, tough times but I got through… I got through because I went a bit wild… I did things I regret and my anger and pain consumed me and I turned feral in many ways.. it was like a grief of a loss..a loss of someone I had looked up to, adored, saw as my best friend.. now I realise it was fake…

I remember how’d she just randomly messaged one day and said she wanted money regularly for storm (my horse) being on her field… not a thanks for looking after her animals and her house or a how are you daughter or any kindness …she wanted money because my dad had stopped giving her some….unfortunately that’s how our relationship remained and finally drained.

When I mean drained…I mean emotionally it was a nightmare…she would ring me threatening to commit suicide..hospitals would ring saying they’d admitted her cos she’d taken a load of tablets, I’d have answerphone messages saying if I didn’t pick up it would be my fault if she died…it was all my fault cos I told my dad and now my brother wouldn’t talk to her and hated her and my dad wouldn’t love her and she blamed me (she constantly couldn’t decide if she wanted my dad or this man! Crazy huh!)…  this torment went on for years and years and years… 

I have to say, when I first got with my husband… she was very supportive. She let me move in when I left my ex and I was hopeful we could renew our old friendship…it had been a strained 9 years of barely holding it together… and at 27 I thought I could cope with it all…

Then I fell pregnant…

It was something exciting and I hoped it would bring everyone close.. I was thrilled. I could picture the family time. My boys being overwhelmingly loved. Lots of family gatherings, the building of wonderful memories with family holidays and days out. 

However the reality was brutal… 

Nobody bothered. Honestly …my mother and father barely came round…my mum would use her illness  as an excuse and said she was too ill to come over and then I’d find out she’d been competing on her horses all weekend.. wow horses come first over seeing you daughter and you first and only grandchildren… 

My Dad didn’t bother (although our relationship was pretty much at an end when he told me he couldn’t be around me cos I looked like my mum and so he couldn’t stand being near me! Charmed!) He did buy the kids some high chairs but that was pretty much it. 3 years later he did admit he did it on purpose and said he thought he’d leave me to it and he didn’t want to turn up in case my mum was here…my husband and I had a real laugh at that…she lives 40 minutes away and her car would be here if she was and there’s a new technology from the 1800s called a telephone…crazy contraption where you can speak to someone miles away! No shit! But instead he just stayed away for three years (he only lives 10 minutes away). Lots of logic there!

My mum did eventually take an interest…guess what… it was when my brother’s girlfriend had their child.. my mum started offering to look after boys when I went back to work…I’ve since found out why…she was using them to walk with the pushchair to stand outside my brothers house to see if she could get to the other grandchild! My poor boys! Even on our wedding day she told my grandma she was excited to see my brother and her granddaughter for the first time…not see her daughter get married for her one and only time! Heartache is an understatement! It’s painful!

So I made the strongest decision…for my boys…I couldn’t have these people in their lives if they didn’t care… these people were not willing to show their love to them. It’s very lonely and hard having twins and through my struggles of having twins I had non of my family to support me… 

They were still using and abusing only this time it had transferred to my precious babes. No. They were not going to be dragged into all of that… I was going to make a good decision for them but a tough decision for me…isn’t that what motherhood is…putting your children first…

It’s been the best decision. They are the sweetest, dearest, twins who are the best of company…my husband and I are the family unit that dreams are made of… I’m truly living a dream and have to pinch myself daily with how lucky I am.. 

I don’t have my mum or my dad to support me but I don’t need that…Sometimes I struggle cos I’d have LIKED that (and if I’m honest…I’m lonely of a female relative bond!) but in the grand scheme of things I can live without that cos I wouldn’t want to change any of my life now …

all that yesterday has built a brilliant today and I’d always make that same decision. 

Do I dream about having a mummy…of course..every day…but … my happy family is my priority and I’m a good mummy because of my experiences…That..I can thank her for..because I learnt what not to do! 

I’m so lucky: anyone who would want to miss out on these two isn’t worth knowing ♡♡

This is my mum not with my dad. It came up on my Facebook feed from her birthday 4 years ago. Always little reminders. Always.

Bare buttocks and a bad night’s sleep!

Oh good lord … what a night last night. 

So I woke around 3.45 to the glaring light of Mark’s phone. He couldn’t sleep so apparently putting an electronic device in front of his eyes and scrolling the Daily Mail, reading crap about celebrities he’s too old to know about, supposedly makes his brain fall back to sleep! So after having a conversation about the sorrows of been awake at ridiculous o clock, I hear Ethan get up from his bunk. I leap towards mark in a frantic attempt to hide the phone glare (as once he sees we are awake we are done for) but it was too late…he sees, he enters the bedroom and…boom! Before my very eyes the destruction of “nighttime” occurred.  He comes wandering in wanting a cuddle and I didn’t even get chance to tell him it wasn’t time to get up before he’d climbed into our bed and plonked himself in between me and mark. Now usually “dragon woman” appears as I don’t do well without sleep but Ethan starts the conversation with ” I love you mummy. Do you want a cuddle?” And…well…how could I say no to that gorgeous man… he’s already playing the woman in his life! Sweet talker! So we utch up and Ethan squeezes in… then I hear more footsteps. By this time I can see sleep speeding off like it’s a formula one racing car and I’m the starting block! Owen appears. Love you mummy he says as he comes to my side for a hug. Then he walks round to mark and he too gets in. 

Yes there is a nursery rhyme that fits this moment perfectly..  there were four in the bed and little Owen said….roll over…roll over. We all utched up and my fat ass was now hanging precariously over the edge of the bed… a lovely image! I had no covers and I could feel this cold air hitting my bare buttocks! Ethan asked if I was comfy…yeah sure I reply…he then decides we should all watch a film as we are having some family time! Remember it’s now only 4am. Family time…I only spoke the other day of time passing and you missing out so much so mark and I both said “sure. Why not!” So a film was put on and Ethan made sure we both had our eyes open watching it, regularly telling us off if our eyes drooped heavy or dare I say “closed”. 

The day has been a struggle to say the least! But they are both fast asleep now. Mark and I both described our feelings throughout the day as like we’d been on a massive alcohol filled night out but without the benefits…however we did benefit…we had extra cuddles…. and they are far better cuddles than a cuddle with a few bottles of beer! 

How life changes…once upon a time I’d not get in till 4…now I’m getting up at 4! 

Sad milestone – weighing heavy x

I knew these times would come but never did I expect it to hit me so hard… 

Just an average Thursday in January. I was picking the kids up after work, as normal, and Owen wanted a cuddle as he had a headache and you could tell he was in that emotional and loving mood. So I put his school bag on my back and asked him to face me. (Now it’s been a tough week and my energy levels are low but I never thought it would happen) I bent down to pick him up and I could barely get him to my hips and once there I could barely walk with him. I managed about 15 steps. He told me he was slipping and it was like a metaphorical message “a sign of the future” YES. Slowly he was slipping. His childhood was slipping away slowly like the slipping down of his body from my waist. 

I tried to keep him up but I just couldn’t and he was so upset I couldn’t carry him…”Please try Mummy.” He said to me…but it was impossible.  He cried. I held it in but felt like crying and by the time I got home, it was all too much for me! I cried too! 

I used to try to get them to be independent when they were tiny twins as it was tough trying to carry two. Now I’d carry them forever if I could. Strange. Wish my older self could talk to my stressed out, anxious younger (not so coping) self! I’d give her a few words of wisdom! Never let go…cos at some point, way too soon, you are forced too as they slip slowly away! 

If only they’d look admiringly and lovingly up at you forever! 

It seems like a lifetime ago – 

I’ve been teaching my pupils a poem called “As imperceptibly as grief”. It’s all about summer passing without you realising – like it’s untrustworthy or deceitful because it’s left without saying goodbye…and all you have are memories! 

This is like a mother with her babies…time passes without you realising and before you know it you are grieving like a loss… a treasured loss… time waits for no mother…but time with her children is her greatest weight and treasure. The weight of love ♡